step one: i’m an addict

hi, my name is amanda michelle & i’m a music addict. at first i thought it was just a ‘thing’. y’know, i always have to have music playing, no matter what i’m doing. i’m that chick who gets mad that you can’t listen to music during final exams. i’m the one who sings on the train w/o giving a thought to what might be bothering other ppl (i do try to sing quietly). i’m that kid who brought her alarm clock radio down to the kitchen table so she could do homework (even though her mama had the TV on nearby). but, so long as i had my music, i never thought much of it. until now.

i basically spent this past weekend with kindred the family soul as they did a couple of shows in chicago. as always, they put on a coupla great shows & a good time was had by all. [the recap post is coming soon, but i’m sad so i had to get this offa my chest.] what’s to boot is thatmy play brother, damon bennett, often steps in when their regular music director, stan davis (also a friend), is otherwise booked. all kinds of musical awesomeness & family shenanigans were had. and now i’m depressed.

this happens to me every time i go to a great show, so it’s not just hangin’ w/ my folks (much as i love them). i’ve noted it, but not really given much thought (‘cuz i generally have too much other shit to do to spend time thinking about my feelings). but today, as i sat at my job irritated, sad, and fiending, i realized that i have an addiction. for me, live music is a drug. i have to have it, but once my fix ends, i crash. hard. i feel like other people don’t experience this, so i don’t talk about it. but i do start to question everything about my life. am i in the right field? did i miss something the universe was telling me to do? what do i need to do to become part of this amazingness? how can i balance that with everything else i have (and want) to do? it’s incredibly exhausting and a bit frightening. i do eventually stabilize, although i haven’t figured out how long it takes yet.

so yeah, that’s all i have. they say the first step is acknowledging you have a problem, right? well here i am, acknowledging. but i’m also saying i welcome this ‘problem’.

music soothes my soul. in music, i find rest for my weary spirit. in music, i am energized to live another day. when i need breaking, music dismantles me. when i am broken, it is music that puts me back together. music is everything, so any resolution to my ‘problem’ will have to involve… music. the cause is the cure and whatnot. the question: why am i not more doing more with it?

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